All out of love

Why is that when we experience tough times we turn to listening to the music that makes us cry (or want to hurt somebody)? Every now and again I get that lonely feeling and instead of calling a friend or someone to take me on a date (there's always a fall guy), I turn to my IPod or YouTube. I don't just want to hear "if you think you're lonely now" or "lately" (both Jodeci songs), or my favorite: Air Supply's "All out of love" ( I love the 80's although I was not dating then) . . . I don't just want to hear it, I want to see it, watch the video on YouTube. No, that's still not enough. I use my internet browser to open a new, simultaneous window so that I can Google the lyrics and sing along (often sounds like wailing). This way I am assured that the depth of my longing is actually properly reflected by the song.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2HejVjzhKTY

Any way, I'll get over it. I always do.

It's quite ridiculous, I realize. . . after I get my S@#$ together and keep it moving.
HA! ;)
I can be such a girl sometimes.

All out of Love, by Air Supply

I'm lying alone with my head on the phone
Thinking of you till it hurts
I know you hurt too but what else can we do
Tormented and torn apart
I wish I could carry your smile and my heart
For times when my life feels so low
It would make me believe what tomorrow could bring
When today doesn't really know, doesn't really know


Chorus:
I 'm all out of love, I'm so lost without you
I know you were right believing for so long
I 'm all out of love, what am I without you
I can't be too late to say that I was so wrong


I want you to come back and carry me home
Away from this long lonely nights
I'm reaching for you, are you feeling it too
Does the feeling seem oh so right
And what would you say if I called on you now
And said that I can't hold on
There's no easy way, it gets harder each day
Please love me or I'll be gone, I'll be gone


Chorus


Oh, what are you thinking of?
What are you thinking of?
Oh, what are you thinking of?
What are you thinking of?


Chorus(3x)

Early Riser

I would have never thought of myself as an early riser. I would never have thought that I would consistently naturally wake up before 7:45 a.m. Yet suddenly I find myself wake at 6:30 in the morning, before my alarm clock even threatens to ring. Somehow, whatever dream I'm dreaming turns bizarre (every time these days) and I wake up and it's 6:30 ish. But sleeping again for a half hour or even hour doesn't cross my mind. I rise.

Now I should also say that I continue to be what I would consider to be a night person. I'm no mistress of the dark, I'm not walking about town at 3 a.m. or anything. But I generally feel like I have something to do, watch, read, or write until damn near midnight. Even my friends on the west coast have put their babies to bed by then and are themselves getting ready for the next day's whatevers. So I'm in my bed at 12 ish, and then 6:30 rolls around. and . . . I rise.

I am aware, faithful reader, that you are probably thinking "wtf, why is this even a big deal". To you I answer "kma, I love to sleep". :)) (As you can see I'm finally learning text messaging language short cuts. Ha!) But any way, I digress- what you don't understand is that my natural body clock use to require nine hours (yes 9) of sleep in order for me to awake naturally, and not want to cuss anybody out. I don't even mean that this was my pattern ten years ago. I'm talking up until several months ago. If I slept for 6 or 7 hours, I needed 2 or 3 hours to warm up before having a friendly, civilized interaction with anyone, man, woman, or child. There are people still living that can attest to this. Yet at 6:30 . . . I rise.

I rise and I bake chicken and cook rice for later! I rise and run the dish washer! I rise and . . . blog! What I am saying is that I rise and I am productive, not fully or partially brain fogged- as I would have expected in the past. I don't even feel particularly upset if someone calls me up and asks me something that could have waited until 10 am (that use to be the official "ok to call Cas and not be treated with cold indifference" cut-off time, Sunday to Sunday).
Yet even in a room purposefully designed and decorated to minimize sunlight, I rise.

Why am I so concerned? Maybe I should be happy that I am able to get up, be productive, go to work (and try to be productive), go through my entire day doing stuff and whatever, and go to bed and sleep for 6 hours versus 9 and not feel like the walking dead. I have lost 3 hours of sleep and gained 3 hours of living wakefully. 3 extra hours of being and doing. Hmm. Sounds good, I guess. But, this is not a good sign to need less sleep. People with babies adapt to less sleep, and older adults adapt a need for less sleep. Yet I, a young (ish) person with no babies ought to be sleeping! I think it is possibly not good for one's health to sleep six hours and feel okay about it, and not fall asleep at work or during dinner or in the middle of a conversation. Suddenly, I am becoming an early riser!

I don't know, but I don't like it. I had been praying to God to help me be more dutiful in all of the things I have put on my plate and somewhat neglected. I guess this is the answer to my prayer. I guess God thinks I need 3 extra waking hours if I'm gonna get it all done. And so . . .

I rise.

que sera, sera

Doris Day
Que Sera, Sera

When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty, will I be rich
Here's what she said to me.

Que Sera, Sera,
Whatever will be, will be
The future's not ours, to see
Que Sera, Sera
What will be, will be.

----
I often still wonder, what will I be?
But now my mom is the one asking "what are you gonna be".
I still am a runner with too many races I can run, sprint, long, short, jump-
(I don't literally run, of course not).
But what will I be? A doctor (PhD), a writer, a social change agent?
All of the above?

I want to know, but maybe even though I'm over thirty, It's not time for me to know. Is that possible?

I only ask that God makes me ready to do what he will have me for. I'm open to . . . be.

Que sera, sera. Whatever will be will be. The future's not mine to see. Que sera, sera.

Available?

I think I'm available but maybe I'm not. I am waiting for a good man to come into my life. I am waiting for a good job to steal me away. I am available but I think I'm just not looking in the right places. I have no good prospects on either front. I know that at some times in my life, I thought I was available but I really couldn't stand the sacrifices. Turns out I wasn't all that available after all. But now I think I am. Granted, I haven't sent out many resumes, but I update my resume weekly. I admit, I haven't been "out there" where men are, but WHERE ARE THE MEN? I think I'm available because I see myself differently than this present reality. I know, you're thinking "stop waiting and start doing". Yeah, Yeah, Yeah. I need more specific advice. I need leads. I need connections.

So what to do?

I'm ready

I'm ready.

Stuck for so long
forgetting how strong

I use to be
I gotta be
I need to be

I long to forget
all the things I regret
I can hardly re-set

my spirit

stuck for so long
forgetting how strong

I am

I'm ready

Watch me

I'm back, Baby!

I'm back to blogging. At least for today. :) I have finally figured out how to make my work day fly by- ha! Just kidding- I'm not blogging at work- I'm checking email like everyone else.

Ha ha ha ha aha.


Gotta go check my email.

-your girl,

Cas ;)

Secret Sponsor

Okay. I have been trying to live my life according to The Secret. You should know about The Secret, I blogged about it a couple of months ago. I have even gone so far as to enlist others to form a kind of Secret cult (I don't let them think that I'm culting them of course). Basically, I try to encourage others to think positively and to see greatness in themselves. In turn, they can see greatness in me and encourage me. Win-win. A nice community of supportive people affirming greatness, prosperity, humility, and good-will. Attracting positive feelings, behaviors and results. You may even say that we act as sponsors to one another- like AA or NA.

The Secret helps us to not be addicted to Drama and Foolishness. Really. When you're addicted to Drama, you can have different symptoms. There's the Drama addict who is constantly looking to be the center of attention, the spotlight in something that is actually quiet superficial or jack ass-ish. She or he makes her own life miserable by performing a never-ending dance of "whoa is me", or "oh no he didn't!".

Then there's the Drama addict that gets a kick out of watching the antics of the Drama Queen, the Spectator. "She's so stupid", "I don't even want to hear about them fools . . . then what happened?" This type of Drama addict may even really have most of their own sh*@t together, but they are curious about how the other half live and perform. This is dangerous because it could lead you to want to try the role of Drama Queen for your self. From Spectator to Queen.


And Foolishness. Yeah, we can't forget foolishness. This also has a two pronged addiction. Those who are fools. And those who wish the fool was being beaten with a whip. The Fools are the whiners, the passive aggressors, and the lazy bastards. The Whip-lashers are the one's who dream of setting the fool on fire (harsh- I don't mean it- don't call the cops). The Whip-lashers want to whip the fool, but they also can't stop rubber-necking (hence the whip-lash). They want to know if he will ever stop trying to slide by on life; if she will ever just shut up; if they will ever just leave me alone.

Yes, I get the Whip-lash on occasion and I need to call my sponsor. And they say things like "look away", or "know that you are already away from this person", or "think compassion". These are all Secret vocabulary used among those of us who know The Secret.

It's not easy. It requires daily meditation and lots of prayer. But The Secret helps us to remember that we must ask God for the serenity to accept the things we cannot change, the courage to change the things we can, and the wisdom to know the difference. And He will give that to us. Ask, believe, receive.

Join today.

Writing again

I know I haven't been feeding the appetites of my blogger fans lately, but I have been writing. I am recommitting to my daily writing in the morning- kind of like journaling. I guess it is journaling, although I hate that word.

I am trying my best to write more. I started writing my qual paper for school (again). I have been working on my novels (yes more than one). And I should also get active on my blog again. They are all different types of writing. They take and give a different energy. I am hoping to reawaken my creative muse. I think she took on a new client when I went incognegro on her. But I want her back. Writing really does feed my soul. The problem is that it makes me hunger more as well. The more I do it, the more I want it. It is like a drug in that way. You may think that this doesn't sound like a real problem or anything. But you're wrong. When I really get into it, I'll write well into the night. I then wake up exhausted and don't won't to go to work. I get to work and think that I'd rather be home writing. I guess I have to figure out a way to have a writer's lifestyle, like Hemingway who got up early and wrote until just before noon and then spent the day being social. What a life. I suppose selling a novel could help me move into that lifestyle of a writer. Be a writer.

I have too many things that I want to be. I think it's okay to be most of them simultaneously. I just need to start being.

Lazy Blogger

I know. I'm a lazy blogger. Wow. I have totally been incognegro. I am quite ashamed of myself. I actually love to blog. Yet, like all things I love, I very soon will neglect. It's natural. I mean, there isn't a lot of interaction on my blog. Yes, I have my adoring fans, but you don't always post responses. How am I suppose to know that you're feeling my vibe?

I will try to be less lazy.

My Space

Why does everyone seem to have a My Space page. At first I thought it was just kids. I never heard of it until it made the news with kids posting crazy things and meeting dangerous people on the internet. Then I came to find out that celebrities and “want to get noticed” folk were on My Space. Okay. Next I came to find out that my very own friends were doing it. WonderWoman was the first to confess.

In a moment of weakness, I allowed her to sign me up. I don’t usually give in to peer pressure (except the time when . . ; )

So I got on My Space. But honestly, it made me overwhelmed. All of a sudden all these strangers were requesting to be my friend. My mailbox was full of potential friends. Now, you know, I don’t really go out of my way to make new friends. So the thought of having forty new friends freaked me out. What’s the point? It couldn’t be to make friends, really. So after a few months of ignoring the requests from strangers seeking friendship, the volume finally died down. I had only one friend- WonderWoman and I avoided letting any one else know that I had done this.

However, I can’t escape it. Everywhere I turn people are talking about their top five friends, and I think- My Space! People are giving you their business cards and writing something new on the back, not their cell number but- My Space! People are inviting you to visit them, but not to come over to their house, but- My Space! People stay logged in and send messages all day long.

People use My Space like a diary . . . a diary that you are sharing with the world. There are very few boundaries. I have seen it all.

I’ve tried to keep my My Space on the DL but people find out that I’m there- from linking to my one friend no doubt. I just don’t know if I can make the commitment. I can barely keep up with a regular phone call or visit with the friends I already really know and love. How will I manage dozens of new friends? I still don’t get it. Will they just periodically see if I’m on line and say hello? Will they read my (probably sporadic) updates and feel adequately connected? Is this a popularity thing so people can say that they have 150 friends. Well I have one friend. And I’m not a loser. Can I be a good friend to 150 people or is that just not the point.

So what is the Point!

I’ll try it again. I’ll accept some friends and I’ll come clean to other people I know. I’ll invite them into My Space. I just hope people act right in my space.

The Secret

The Secret

http://www.thesecret.tv/

I know about positive psychology and the laws of attraction, but it's back again in The Secret. And . . . I like it. Why not. Why not see yourself and your life as you wish it to be instead of focusing on what sucks? This week I am trying an experiment. I am loving life out loud and on purpose. I am fixing my eyes only on what is working. Not on the fact that I haven't completed my major paper for school, but that I am making strides to complete my degree. Not that I am underemployed, but that I am drawing to me wealth and security. I may not be there yet, but I am on that path because my consciousness is there, not on the numbers in my bank account or on my cell phone bill.

People have thought me to be on something the last few days because I am taking a page from my little niece's book- "what do you mean, what am I so happy about? I am happy because I like being happy". Go figure! I am happy because I am! I am not designing a plan to take out my enemies, they are already under my feet. I have no enemies.

I am happy because that's the best way to be. I am happy because I like being happy. I am happy because . . . I am.

What's my password?

I am having the hardest time remember all of my passwords.

I know it would be more efficient to use one password for everything, but for some reason I don't do it. I feel like that would just make it easier for someone who finds out my password to easily take over my life. Now, I know that you may be thinking, "why do you think someone is just waiting to take over your life". My first thought is "if you want it, you can have it, I'll start with my own fresh identity too". Not to mention debt free. But really, some people get off on stealing your identity for whatever purpose. So everything in your life should be password protected.

Furthermore, your password should be "un-guessable". A really good, secure password should be made up of both letters and numbers. Now doesn't that just make it harder to remember. I have at least 4 email addresses, just as an example of the madness. And unfortunately I need all 4 to keep my life compartmentalized. Work, business, school, personal, oh yeah- and the one for junk stuff- you know, when the super market insists on having your email. Every now and again, like when I go on vacation, or veg out for a week and ignore the world, when I return . . . I can't get into my accounts! I can't remember the string of numbers and letters! Then the password help is really no help at all. The hint is something like what's your pet's name. Well I have a cat and I routinely change his name because he doesn't answer to it any way.

And how can you get the numbers in to make the most secure password.

Will I remember the password?. . . fuzzy35cat42buster

What color are my legs?

I was determined not to wear a dress until the first 75 degree day! But I went to a formal event last week (yes, I really did). And I had to wear a dress- I was told I had to. So I did. Mind you, I have pretty nice legs, so I've been told. The problem is wearing a dress when it's so damn cold! Maybe I'm spoiled, but I hate the feel of cold wind on my thighs, and the cold wind always finds its way there.

Clearly I would need to wear tights, stockings, panty hose- you know. So comes the dilemma. Do they really make "skin color" hose for Black women? As I usually do when I can't decide and have only minutes to spare, I bought four different hose. I went home and spent the next ten minutes trying "barely there", "sheer natural", "skin toned", and "tan".

Apparently, I'm tan! Who knew.

Where have you been?

Okay. I've been neglectful with my jabba jabbin'. And I can tell you it's not because things have been uneventful. There are always events to tell of, I suppose. I've been preoccupied. Winter is the worse season. It makes me tired all the time. And lazy. And that makes me bored- and others might say- boring. I still manage to be productive, working, redecorating, remodeling the house. But I can't bring myself to socialize with my own shadow. I crave alone time. Extraverting during the winter takes even more out of me.

Nevertheless, I am committed to trying. I still crave intelligent conversation. But I find that other people turn inward during the winter months as well. You can barely get a decent conversation out of people before May in Massachusetts. It's like our brains freeze. All people talk about is summer time, going to Florida, or how much the weather sucks. My creativity is at an all time low! I'm soooo understimulated. Please, what's a girl to do?

Maybe I should be shopping for a ticket to Florida or some island.

It's only Wednesday.

Should old acquaintance be forgot?

Another year has past. Fair thee well 2006, fair thee well. This year I think I may actually have to start keeping a diary. My memory is terrible. Even not so old acquaintances are easily forgotten. And I really liked some of those people that I've forgotten . . . I think. I really have a serious problem here. Sometimes I meet people who are excited to see me and I swear I have never seen them before in life. But they know me, call me by name, even by a nick name! And I'm lost.

Another thing. I hate that I don't remember a lot of events. "Remember when we went to so and so's house with what's her face and 'dem?" Uh, no, no I don't. "Remember that Halloween when you were the Mad Hatter? And . . . " Hmm, no.

It's a good thing I have a lot of personal integrity. I have to. That way no one can say "Remember when you got so twisted you danced topless on the table, cursed some dude out, punched the bouncer and got thrown out of the club?" Yeah, right. Not I.

But barring the obvious out of character things, I may just not recollect. So my solution is to do something I've never been able to do before- document my life. I think that once a month I'll combine a few photos and a paragraph or two into a scrap book. This way I can at least look back at the year and remember where I was. I don't know if this will work since all the random people I may come in contact with may not make a photo or a sentence.

But it's a start.